its been months since last post

change is constant, you would think things always changing couldnt be a norm, but everything is changing making change a stable thing to count on oh the weird mood i am in. i doubt i will come back after this. i am leaving civilization here in a couple month. go live a simple country life for a while and get away from people.
work on the novel i am writing, fiction and young adult audience is what it is geared towards. i look forward to leaving this life and just having time to work on myself.

the murdock

the murdock, first name nick. the most unique person to ever cross my path. words cannot truly convey his lack of not giving a fuck what others think, his dark yet odd style, his skills at drawing and painting, the way he walk around singing at the top of his lungs werever he goes, even though half the time u can understand the lyrics he belts out.
ive dated him, sorta. in some ways he is average male- aka sex drive. ive always said no and he always respects it...course he tries to change your mind. for the first time he spoke of wanting me as a girlfriend not just one the girls he hooks up with or dates or becomes friends with
i am unsure of what to think. i like him, hell i admire him. but i am not sure he is able to carry a relationship, worse is... i dont know if i can carry a relationship. last summer after a bad break up with the guy i thought was my one and only for ever, my male best friend took advantage of me, i said no and he didnt listen. i drove home crying like no tomorrow swearing off all males.
the idea of being intimate with one now or in the future sort of scares me. you if anyone even reads my crap is like oh wtf ever or like go see a councelor etc. truth is, i cant tell anyone here or speak to anyone about it. i hate the councelors in this town and even so i have no health insurance. i just feel like everything tumbled down on  me and ive spent months trying move the shit off. i dont know if nick can help or will set off more panic attacks. im so lost.

lol like no one reads these

anyway, i am moved into the dorm room. all unpacked and ready for classes in a couple days.  to ze world----- i have a huge dorm room omg spazz spazz soz happy not tiny and cramped!!! also im waiting on a new laptop to arrive, this wonderful gay minitom isnt gonna cut it for my business/computer class. i hope the new one arrives in time for classes...
i have made a list of all i need that i didnt think of before coming to the dorm. one those mltpl outlit plugs. yep thats a definite one all dorm peoples need lol shouldve thought of it but oh well, i can manage to plug the fan in and laptop. there is no air conditioning in this dorm so fans keep you alive. got like no sleep last night twas to hot. its dark and cloudy outside so i really hope it rains and cools everything down.

2nd old update

new house. old habits. sitting in the new closet. feeling miserable. contemplating making tea...however that requires me to be near them. them is becca and step siblings...along with my own dad. im not sure what to type everything and nothing is on my mind..

i wish i was at moms or moving into the dorm already..cept i dont know if i will like the dorm either.

my loner tendencies seem to hurt everyones feelings and get people pissed off. because i sit around bothering the family im an insultive brat, yeet when i put out effort, i go outside to play frizbee with the kids, becca sneers and complains, when i try to offer help to dad he tells me go away. they wonder why i stay away? then they all complain about me not being around. there just is no win. im so tired of them. they arent family. this is like being trapped in a house full of horrible strangers.

im on a big ol complaining rant arent i? its pointless to complain. it wont change anything, i know that. doesnt even really help me feel better at the moment. but im here in a closet typing. not much else to do. maybe read a book .. i have plenty books. my own library worth just about lol

putting up blogs i typed while had no internet

been few weeks since i actually typed out a blog. was no point at moms since not really internet there. now im home...home? eh not home but at my dads new house, being a basement dweller. my 'room' is also the storage room and guest room. all my things are in my closet or desk. im not allowed to have my things out or personalize this room. at first it was extremely upsetting- especially since the step siblings, one of which lives in chacago [hours away from here] anyway they get there own rooms. basically dads kids are tossed aside and the steps get it good here. yes poor grammar. im not so upset now, one basement is well empty and dark. very alone down here so storage room even though is unfair fits my personality.

now- trip to my moms was fairly awesome, went to clear lake which is 90 feet of completly clear water. its beautiful and great for swimming. lake huron is also amazing. went walking with mom there and was such a great view. however at moms and evil cunt, pardon my language, purposely swerved and killed one of the dogs...with me a few feet away. we didnt get the license plate otherwise we wouldve sent all the officers to her [my step dad and the dogs owner works at the county jail and knows everyone] that bitch deserves many horrible things. i spent days unable to stop seeing her car hit and mangle shep. blood. i couldnt stop seeing blood in my head, or get out the horrible experiance of spending a night at war with the ground to dig him a proper grave. animals are family, children, deserve love. anyone who treats pets badly is a bad heartless person that has a fuck ton bad karma coming to them. rant complete.

otherwise i also met my moms sort of surrogate father. brother colburn. [brother is used for all male church members just like sister for the females] brother colburn met mom at church and after his wife passed he sorta took mom in as a kinda daughter. his real daughter that is moms age went missing many years ago. she was schitzophrenic [prob butchered that spelling] she just took off he hasnt seen his daughter in i think over ten years. its sad, because he really is a nice guy, very accepting of whoever you are and wants to help all he can. after shep was killed he took me and mom out for pizza and got me a new backpack for upcoming semester.

there is a ton of noise upstairs i better go check on them.

back from two week vacation

my blogs are seeming to be just rants -.- sorry

i have noticed my step mothers way of making a truece with me after fighting or not speaking is to give me candy or some kind of coffee beverage. she wont say anything other than i bought you coffee its in the kitchen. i just accept it and go back to acting normal instead of pissed off. but here is the catch, she is getting heavy in her years and complains about it even complains about how tiny i am. thus i know her truece to make me stop acting pissed off isnt real its still a sabbotoage because typically i eat healthy foods avoid the sweats, cept coffee, but whenever she buys the candy i know she wants me to gobble it down and join in chunkyville.

hey i dont mean this to be offensive towards heavier peolpe by the way, the girl ive crushed on for over a year now is heavy set yet amazingly unique and beautiful.

however the point is there is never true peace here at home, only the pretense of it. but that isnt just between step mother and kid, that seems to be found everywhere, pretending peace is like when you tell ur best friend she looks skinny in a chunky fuggly dress because its just less drama. is it better to pretend peace or be open about the dislike? i suppose it varies upon situation but majority of the time im honest, it gets me into trouble with the poeple who dont really know me. i am mature and polite in my responses but still honest, politness doesnt fix a negative truth. lucky me my anti social ways for the last half year have diminished much of my contact with the outside world and people in it.

oh- this post i am sitting in my closet, cup of coffee [really awesome pac man mug] just put out an apple cinnimon insence because as it turns out- i really hate it all thats left is a few shirts on a board, my shark windchime on one the bars, and one 'margarita dancing' dress. i call it that cus i picture being in a hawaiin bar dancing to latin music. dunno why thats what i picture but it is, my closet it a walk in square with three boards two bars and tons of nails in the walls to hang shit on. considering all the typing i do while sitting in here it is surprising i havent described it before.

i discovered i can schedule posts for even while i am away at moms. so i am writing up several blogs before i leave and scheduling them to show up while away. in a weird nerdy way that excites me.