its been months since last post

change is constant, you would think things always changing couldnt be a norm, but everything is changing making change a stable thing to count on oh the weird mood i am in. i doubt i will come back after this. i am leaving civilization here in a couple month. go live a simple country life for a while and get away from people.
work on the novel i am writing, fiction and young adult audience is what it is geared towards. i look forward to leaving this life and just having time to work on myself.

the murdock

the murdock, first name nick. the most unique person to ever cross my path. words cannot truly convey his lack of not giving a fuck what others think, his dark yet odd style, his skills at drawing and painting, the way he walk around singing at the top of his lungs werever he goes, even though half the time u can understand the lyrics he belts out.
ive dated him, sorta. in some ways he is average male- aka sex drive. ive always said no and he always respects it...course he tries to change your mind. for the first time he spoke of wanting me as a girlfriend not just one the girls he hooks up with or dates or becomes friends with
i am unsure of what to think. i like him, hell i admire him. but i am not sure he is able to carry a relationship, worse is... i dont know if i can carry a relationship. last summer after a bad break up with the guy i thought was my one and only for ever, my male best friend took advantage of me, i said no and he didnt listen. i drove home crying like no tomorrow swearing off all males.
the idea of being intimate with one now or in the future sort of scares me. you if anyone even reads my crap is like oh wtf ever or like go see a councelor etc. truth is, i cant tell anyone here or speak to anyone about it. i hate the councelors in this town and even so i have no health insurance. i just feel like everything tumbled down on  me and ive spent months trying move the shit off. i dont know if nick can help or will set off more panic attacks. im so lost.

lol like no one reads these

anyway, i am moved into the dorm room. all unpacked and ready for classes in a couple days.  to ze world----- i have a huge dorm room omg spazz spazz soz happy not tiny and cramped!!! also im waiting on a new laptop to arrive, this wonderful gay minitom isnt gonna cut it for my business/computer class. i hope the new one arrives in time for classes...
i have made a list of all i need that i didnt think of before coming to the dorm. one those mltpl outlit plugs. yep thats a definite one all dorm peoples need lol shouldve thought of it but oh well, i can manage to plug the fan in and laptop. there is no air conditioning in this dorm so fans keep you alive. got like no sleep last night twas to hot. its dark and cloudy outside so i really hope it rains and cools everything down.

2nd old update

new house. old habits. sitting in the new closet. feeling miserable. contemplating making tea...however that requires me to be near them. them is becca and step siblings...along with my own dad. im not sure what to type everything and nothing is on my mind..

i wish i was at moms or moving into the dorm already..cept i dont know if i will like the dorm either.

my loner tendencies seem to hurt everyones feelings and get people pissed off. because i sit around bothering the family im an insultive brat, yeet when i put out effort, i go outside to play frizbee with the kids, becca sneers and complains, when i try to offer help to dad he tells me go away. they wonder why i stay away? then they all complain about me not being around. there just is no win. im so tired of them. they arent family. this is like being trapped in a house full of horrible strangers.

im on a big ol complaining rant arent i? its pointless to complain. it wont change anything, i know that. doesnt even really help me feel better at the moment. but im here in a closet typing. not much else to do. maybe read a book .. i have plenty books. my own library worth just about lol

putting up blogs i typed while had no internet

been few weeks since i actually typed out a blog. was no point at moms since not really internet there. now im home...home? eh not home but at my dads new house, being a basement dweller. my 'room' is also the storage room and guest room. all my things are in my closet or desk. im not allowed to have my things out or personalize this room. at first it was extremely upsetting- especially since the step siblings, one of which lives in chacago [hours away from here] anyway they get there own rooms. basically dads kids are tossed aside and the steps get it good here. yes poor grammar. im not so upset now, one basement is well empty and dark. very alone down here so storage room even though is unfair fits my personality.

now- trip to my moms was fairly awesome, went to clear lake which is 90 feet of completly clear water. its beautiful and great for swimming. lake huron is also amazing. went walking with mom there and was such a great view. however at moms and evil cunt, pardon my language, purposely swerved and killed one of the dogs...with me a few feet away. we didnt get the license plate otherwise we wouldve sent all the officers to her [my step dad and the dogs owner works at the county jail and knows everyone] that bitch deserves many horrible things. i spent days unable to stop seeing her car hit and mangle shep. blood. i couldnt stop seeing blood in my head, or get out the horrible experiance of spending a night at war with the ground to dig him a proper grave. animals are family, children, deserve love. anyone who treats pets badly is a bad heartless person that has a fuck ton bad karma coming to them. rant complete.

otherwise i also met my moms sort of surrogate father. brother colburn. [brother is used for all male church members just like sister for the females] brother colburn met mom at church and after his wife passed he sorta took mom in as a kinda daughter. his real daughter that is moms age went missing many years ago. she was schitzophrenic [prob butchered that spelling] she just took off he hasnt seen his daughter in i think over ten years. its sad, because he really is a nice guy, very accepting of whoever you are and wants to help all he can. after shep was killed he took me and mom out for pizza and got me a new backpack for upcoming semester.

there is a ton of noise upstairs i better go check on them.

back from two week vacation

my blogs are seeming to be just rants -.- sorry

i have noticed my step mothers way of making a truece with me after fighting or not speaking is to give me candy or some kind of coffee beverage. she wont say anything other than i bought you coffee its in the kitchen. i just accept it and go back to acting normal instead of pissed off. but here is the catch, she is getting heavy in her years and complains about it even complains about how tiny i am. thus i know her truece to make me stop acting pissed off isnt real its still a sabbotoage because typically i eat healthy foods avoid the sweats, cept coffee, but whenever she buys the candy i know she wants me to gobble it down and join in chunkyville.

hey i dont mean this to be offensive towards heavier peolpe by the way, the girl ive crushed on for over a year now is heavy set yet amazingly unique and beautiful.

however the point is there is never true peace here at home, only the pretense of it. but that isnt just between step mother and kid, that seems to be found everywhere, pretending peace is like when you tell ur best friend she looks skinny in a chunky fuggly dress because its just less drama. is it better to pretend peace or be open about the dislike? i suppose it varies upon situation but majority of the time im honest, it gets me into trouble with the poeple who dont really know me. i am mature and polite in my responses but still honest, politness doesnt fix a negative truth. lucky me my anti social ways for the last half year have diminished much of my contact with the outside world and people in it.

oh- this post i am sitting in my closet, cup of coffee [really awesome pac man mug] just put out an apple cinnimon insence because as it turns out- i really hate it all thats left is a few shirts on a board, my shark windchime on one the bars, and one 'margarita dancing' dress. i call it that cus i picture being in a hawaiin bar dancing to latin music. dunno why thats what i picture but it is, my closet it a walk in square with three boards two bars and tons of nails in the walls to hang shit on. considering all the typing i do while sitting in here it is surprising i havent described it before.

i discovered i can schedule posts for even while i am away at moms. so i am writing up several blogs before i leave and scheduling them to show up while away. in a weird nerdy way that excites me.

whatever happens is fate right?

im in a crowded coffee shop, common grounds. i walked here soon i will be walking home heat warnings all week yet im crazy enough to walk all over town in this heat.  i dont want to be home feeling alone and ready to do something drastic. i contemplate asking to move to my mothers. not easy thing to think about.
i dont believe happyness should be a goal in life, doing whats right for the poeple around you and do what is best for yourself are very important but that doesnt its the same as happiness. so i am trying to decide what is better the good education and horrible family and friends life or the decent education and good family life with my mom brother and step dad. i havent told to many about whats on my mind and when i do it is breif
i dont know why i decided to waste two dollars at common grounds on soda, sit in a uncomfy booth with crowds chatter pressing in, i typically run from this sorta social hub, but like said i needed be away from home i need to think. i am exhauseted.
had dreams the family moved into a house where a family had been murdered and was haunting the place, i had to perform like a spell casting to help the spirits move on but they were stubborn and causing hell, scaring me, yet i kept at it even when dying. it was not peaceful sleep and for once i am unsure what my dream meant. usually its rather clear what stresses make their ways into my dreams.

space invaders

the early nineties babies have a bad rap dont we? loners stoners fuck ups messed up apathetics going no where. those are some the things my generation has heard. sadly thats not so wrong, i am obviously a loner, once stoner been messed up fucked up. when i meet another person so similar and by that i mean a equal loner its some odd conversations that happem. we discussed today how when another person starts becoming a attached we disapear to stop the attachment and when its gone we re appear maybe for short company but never let other become attached or become attached to other also. all to avoid the dramas of life. pointless fights pointless pains etc. isnt it odd? two loners occasionally get together and discuss their loner tendencies while enjoying each others company.

i am in my bedroom watching syfys alice for the what 4th or 5th night in a row. typically i dont like watching movie over again more than couple times a year maybe, but i am unbeleivably addicted to this movie.

its sweet that my loner buddy is texting to check up on me he recognized ive been off just from hanging out for a short time talking bout our tendencies and random scenerios.

this blog doesnt have a goal or an audience.. so what is the point to me doing this? only way to get out a small portion of the daily plagues i suppose...

well, shock not in closet for this blog either. in my room, its night, sitting in the dark laptop in from me while on my queen sized bed, which is 1/4th consumed in clothes, 1/4th consumed by crumpled blanket, 1/4th by towel in case i hurl, and rest is me. feeling sick this night, maybe the combination of anger crying stress and my large amount of walking in this insane summer heat did it.

i love walking. not sure why, heat makes me sweat a gross amount, my legs always ache from the ton of walking i do, i get sunburned.  but it tires me out and calms me down. ive done a good amount of walking today. when stress levels rise, i walk a ton i drink more liquids and not eat much food. i even clean or re arrange a lot when im unhappy. however no point to cleaning or re arranging the boxes of my lifes belongings.

alrighty so life isnt easy i know, but really? cant we all stop pause and just think all the things we get upset over and more importantly how we take out those upsets- i walk or clean. fairly healthy ways of handling when im not happy. but others drink smoke get angry pick fights abuse animals, so, so many horrible things humans do to take out their own misery on their surroundings. i dont  have a solution really becausse its a choice the individuals choice. some people will just never choose good healthy ways to cope, i dont understand why, but thats how it is. i dont think it should be that way, how better would it be if we all dealt in healthy ways with our unhappiness? least in my train of thought it would be a whoooooolleeeee lot better.

i should be attempting sleep least trying to get back in habit of sleeping during the night..or just sleeping at all haha, but even for how tired i am, my stomach isnt going to allow rest sigh

syfy

great shock, i am not in my closet for this blog, it is night time and i am in the front room watching syfy's alice through the looking glass. this version of alice is better than any other i have seen. maybe im a sucker for cute guys with accents winning the girl in the end, but the fact that hatter finally got his own happy ending with alice makes me gush. over all though the characters are so much more real and rounded than any other ive seen, of course this version by syfy is what almost 3 hours or so ..more time to develop i suppose. and it much more modern spin, like our ways leaked into their world and tore apart the beautiful magick that once made it a wonderland. if i had a choice between our world and the wonderland it would be a tough call.

in 6 days i leave for my moms an all day buss ride to get there. i wake at 4 am and get to moms 10:30pm long awkward trip that wreaks havoc on my nerves to spend two weeks in middle no where farm filled with animals and a shack to live in...i cant wait :] i love it out there. no people, no stress, lots of adorable pets, perfect.

on a random note? how many of you [if anyone even knows this blog exists] eat fast food? ..i hate eating fast food, people in the food industry put up with so many ass holes, can it truly be expected the properly respect the food? if i am eating out im down right obnoxiously polite to all that have contact with me food.

i feel like typing moar but i have nothing of much interest. had a photoshoot today it went very well im pleased with the pictures...by chance this is being read and u are serachin for a model drop me a comment lol be nice to make an earning....not working with food... although i actually liked being a waitress. O.o

of course drugs, that explains it all

first of all- i dont do drugs, i may know people who do, but i myself me does not do drugs period. i dont even drink. however reading a book while sitting on pillows in my closet must mean i do drugs and warranted the bedroom search by my father who insists i am sitting in my closet smoking pot.
really? strange behavior automatically means drugs? that is ridiculous. because i enjoy hiding in my private closet to read write type burn incense and relax, i must be doing drugs.
living under the parents roof whilst trying to be an adult is not easy. how can you act adult when your own family denies to even see the adult you? ok well i manage to be adult fairly well, but my dad insists i must be a fuck up immature worthless brat that he has to allow live under his roof because of the damned genetics. i wish i were exaggerating. im sure anyone reading this thinks im an over reacting idiot, but fact is i have taken care of myself my belongings my pets, on my own. i pay my way, i get good grades, never get into trouble, yet im the child dad doesnt want.
he has his new wife and new kids and does not want me in his life. it has been made clear once this falls term starts, im gone. i am to live in the dorm, i may have small storage space at dads new house but i am not welcomed to live there. where will i go for breaks? moms? she lives 10 hours away and i have no car [sold it to pay for school partially this fall] my life is way to stressful. feeling like i have no home and basically no support system is driving me mad. this rant is ..well... yes rather childish but i need to figure out how to completly support myself and right now there is no solution. i am kinda freaking out.

fact about myself: i want a pet grizzly bear

alrighty...this is what 4th blog? im sure no one is reading these, not surprising. as usual i am sitting in my closet on my laptop. no wifi, i move files to the fam comp later. so yeah im uselessly in the closet on minitom.

today i rode across town on my step moms bike. i figured a two hour walk from home to walgreens and back would be crazy. yeeaahhh bikes are much much faster but more work. maybe i should start going on bike rides more often, i have a bike at my mothers, so those two weeks im gone ima have fun riding bike in the country.

i was dyed a bright red for some time, i decided to attempt go blonde. i ended up at a slightly lighter red color than i naturally have .. looks good, but in another couple months i can dye again and end up true blonde. do most people see blonde as the stereotypical idiot that wants to fit in? i know that is the case a lot of the time, but dont a lot people dye to become red heads so to be more exotic? i dont think you can make those judgements about people based on hair color they choose. i pick blonde because im pale, some freckles, and look good blonde, cant that be the case for others who dye their hair? they just know what color is good on them.

not much going on in this blog today....im lacking anything with meaning and trying not to stutter out the events of my day like a journalist..[i tried journalism..im too creative to keep things short and simple like newspapers like] but editiing pictures was fun, its something i do in spare time i love cs5... i dont has camera sadly it broke like a year ago also meaning my youtube series was....is...in suspension. i dont count those dang cartoon videos that youtube gives you the option to make. aaanndddd thats it for the moment..

blog 3.... a morning with out coffee

i am an extreme coffee addict.. ill drink or eat coffee products round the clock.... but alas ze coffee be gone. so...im posting a mini rant of how my molecules are falling apart from lack of caffeine. aaaaaanywayyyyyy, i had such strange dreams last night too. sharks....
TEA, i like tea i thinks i shall go make some. so good morning world this pointless minipost is now complete

blog 2. too much free time today

what is better? being a mature adult but also a loner or being your age and having a social life? i am 19, [20 in a month]. i honestly dont get along well with my age group or younger. not to say i do great with older adults, some hate my piercings and tattoos, but overall, i do get along better with adults in their 30's and up.

here lets make a comparison thingy that is typical and we all understand. puzzles. life is a puzzle and through life we build some pieces to the puzzle and some peices just dont seem to ever be found. in my life, ive always know my interests, my goals, what the right choices are, how to be moral. but then there are the missing peices, say, relating to people my age, making friends, gaining respect from family those sorta things i suppose. my point is this, i compare the missing pieces i have now, to the ones i would have if i was a usual teen girl, and i pick mature loner hands down.

a lot of adults tell us to mature grow up be adults, basically its my angry drunk dad and mean step mom that say that to me, EVERY other adult i know tells me i should just try being my age and not worrying so much. i enjoy being the adult i am, and i wouldnt trade it for the 'follys' of acting youthful.  our lives are in our hands, we need to decide where to take our lives, and every person is responsible for their own life and how it ends up. the only exception would be mentally handicapped and those weird cults where the children get totally brainwashed. once we hit our teen years, we make or break our whole future. i nearly destroyed mine, but got back on track and see now that i should handle all the difficulties best i can and not react immaturily. my future is too important. this sounds like a crappy soapbox i know and something that gets preached way to often, but that doesnt stop it from being true.

blog 1. uh...yeah wat?

im not quite sure what the point of blogging is, like is it an online version of a diary? i keep a diary but if i shared everything in it 1. people would likely get arrested 2. i would likely be seen as an evil homicidal bitch and 3. i would lose at life in general. so i know many people blog, i have read a variety of blogs. i have liked some and not cared for others. now here i am, sitting in my almost empty closet. cup of tea and some burning incense. the one light bulb above me casting down yellow tinted light. an old comp tower is in front me which is what im resting my acer mini laptop on by the way my laptop in named minitom, and he is gay due to rainbow stickers i covered him in. im not useing word. i enjoy my miss...interupted by the step mother. where was i ..misspellings. if i cant get it right or choose not to the first time then oh well ya know? this isnt a report for school or job application. i will make all the errors i want.

i dont know what i should put into a blog, i havent even figured out where i will post my blog. ill be online later, perhaps make a second none harry potter obsessed tumblr...doubt it im to lazy and two tumblrs would be weird. i bet i google blogs and join one somewhere.

im picking an akward time to blog, i leave in a week then will be offline for two weeks. i suppose any one taking time to read this wont care. i dont have anything special or earth shattering revalations for you. i am a typical 19 almost 20 [woohoo eh?] woman that for the most has a boring life. thus the blog? i said i keep a diary, well i fill pages upon pages almost daily, so its not shocking that this is a long blog post, thats what you can expect from me, long posts of nothingness.